'Write Like a Shmeyer Day!' Submission

As many of you fellow Twilight-haters know, 'Write Like a Shmeyer Day!' was just a short 3 days ago, thanks to the wonder that is facebook, and the wonderful Admin that is behind 'No, Twilight is not literature, or Quality Entertainment'. The day-originally-is celebrated in Washington in honor of Shmeyer's garbage heap-er, I mean 'novels'. Of course, being a fellow Twilight hater, Every fan of great literature teamed up with the famed FB group and dedicated the day to writing as disgustingly as Shmeyer, and by submitting their hilarious stories! I submitted quite a horrid paragraph or two, but sadly, I did not win. :( Ah, well. Maybe next year. Nevertheless, I  am in quite a sickly fashion right now, as my sinuses are acting up and making me want to claw my face off. The pain...THE PAIN!! *hack* In light of this, I am going to be a mean, mean writer today, and am going to share my 'Write Like a Shmeyer Day!' submission. I hope it doesn't burn out your adorable little eyes. THIS IS A WARNING. READ ANY FURTHER AND YOU MAY EITHER DIE LAUGHING OR KILL YOURSELF FROM SHEER DISGUST. Enjoy.

My heart thumped fiercely behind my ribcage, pounding hard like a drum. Edward was gripping my arm so tightly I thought the tautness of his grip would tear my shaking arm off. I was shaking vehemently, and Edward's unspoiled body was cold; Like ice. Ice from the North Pole. His flawless face stared back at me, his golden eyes churning a deep honey color. "Edward, I...I think I'm in love with you. In love like you couldn't even fathom." His violent grip became even tighter as he gnashed his perfect, unblemished teeth, which were coated with a thick coat of scarlet blood. "Can't you see, Bella? I am a monster! A creature of the darkest depths of the darkest darkness..." He turned and punched a tree with his snow-white, perfect fist. "And I have fallen in love with the most beautiful and prettiest woman in all of the Earth. And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." He mumbled, releasing his taut grip on my shaking arm and kissing me robustly with such force that I thought I might feint from the vigor of his lip-lock. "You are mine." he said, his delicious breath smelling sweet. "Mine and mine alone. I can't bear to let you be with someone else, the devastating covetousness drives me insane. Even when you're with your friends, my heart longs for thee." He said, making my jelly legs melt into the sullied dirt. "I'd leave anyone just to be with you." I said, and the shining sun broke through the sinister vines and branches of the dark forest, glaring on Edward. His faultless porcelain-white skin sparkled like diamonds, like precious gems. "Make me like you." I said forcibly. "I don't care if I have to leave my entire family and my closest friends." I snuggled closed to his cold, marble-sculpted chest. "If it means being with you, I'd give up everything that meant something to me." Edward chuckled, the sound deep and hearty. "That's all I ask, my love." He whispered softly, and stuck the needle into my chest, pumping my veins full of coursing immortal venom.


SEE?! I WARNED YOU!! But NOOO!! You had to insist on reading and now you've gone and blinded yourself!! BE GRATEFUL THAT SOMEONE SMART IS NOW READING THIS LAST PARAGRAPH OF MINE TO YOU!! 
*ahem*
Anyways, I'm glad you've put up with this silliness. Today is not a good day for me; I'm sick, it's raining, AND I'M OUT OF VANILLA TEA. *eyes twitches then sneezes*
Screw (Insert state here), I'm moving to Montana to live in the mountains like a hermit. *sniffles and sneezes again* 
.......Maybe not. I'm too poor. I think I'll just nap for an hour or so....anybody mind sending me some vanilla tea?